Friends…what are those?

So, I’ve never been good at making friends.

I grew up in a small town, so during school you basicallly hung out with the people you had known your entire life. There wasn’t much thought gone into choosing who you were friends with.

When I got into highschool, we had a “group” and I got invited to group gatherings. Outside of those, however, I didn’t do much socializing.

I ended up dating a guy in high school for two years because I was young and stupid and he had promises of new friends and exciting parties. Well, that went south, and I ended up hanging around because I didn’t want to admit to everyone that I had been wrong, and that he was an asshole, even though he did a multitude of things that I don’t feel like going into. On top of being young and stupid, I was also young and selfish and let him believe that I loved him because I had no where else to turn. A lot of my friends shunned me after we started going out because they hated him.

My best friend, who remains my best friend, but it hundreds of miles away, even sort of pulled away from me, but I pulled away from her as well. She found others to hang out with, I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t have wanted to be around me either.

It was then I started to realize that I was not good at making friends. I made excuses for myself though. Things like:

“Oh, it’s a small town, everyone already knows me and has their ‘idea’ of who I am”

“Everyone hates me”

“Everyone thinks I’m an idiot and is laughing behind my back”

Blah blah blah.

Since then, my best friend and I have definitely reconciled, I am madly in love with a gorgeous gentleman who treats me like a princess, and I am about to move to L.A. to pursue a career in Cinema Makeup.

All that is missing right now is…can we guess kids? That’s right, friends.

Everywhere I’ve lived in the last two years, I’ve tried desperately but always ended up being the third wheel with no invite to the after party.

Sure, I’ve gone to lunch with “the girls” but I sit there in utter dismay as they invite eachother over for parties, to the mall, the movies, etc. No, I’m not just imagining that I’m not invited, or not really wanted.

See my Cherry Poptarts entry for a REAL dialogue between me and some of my aesthetician classmates: http://bloodydiamonds.wordpress.com/2008/02/27/cherry-poptarts-again/

That’s just one of many.

I went to visit lance this past weekend and we had a lot of wedding talk. All I could think of was “How embarrassed will I be when I have to tell my family that I don’t have as many bridesmaids as Lance will have groomsmen?”

It’s so humiliating.

I used to love being a loner, now I’m seeing that it’s not the greatest….

Cherry Poptarts again…

So, I’ve never been the type of girl who had “girlfriends” I have one best friend that lives miles away and I haven’t seen in months.

Recently, I’ve become obsessed with gaining entrance into this secret life of parties and luncheons and shopping and dishing on one night stands.

I attend a Paul Mitchell school for Esthetics, I am constantly surrounded by beautiful and bitchy girls all day. I decided when I ventured into this new career endeavor, that, for once in my life, I would attempt to make “girlfriends” I tried my hardest, going to lunch with them, practically inviting myself, offering to drive, etc.

So the day that I knew would come, came. The day one of the girls had a party at her house and started dishing out invites. I got an invite….of sorts.

Ladies and gentlemen I present to you a lesson in the dreaded Pity Invite,  you know the one. Observe the conversation between the three girls I hang out with and me while sitting at a table eating lunch one day:

Janeen: Margaux, Danielle, you guys are just like me!

Danielle: *giggle* Yeah!

Margaux: That’s hella awesome!

Me: *crunching on a tortilla strip*

Janeen: So I’m having a huge party at my house this Saturday, you guys have to come and spend the night! That would be so much fun!

All of us [me stupidly thinking she's talking to me as well, I mean, I only drove them to the restaurant and am sitting at the same table as them]: That would be so fun! Omg!

Janeen: Oh, and Shelby (looking me up and down) you can come, I mean…if you really want to, but you don’t really know where I live [keep in mind, neither margaux or danielle have ever been to her house before either]

Me: *more tortilla chip crunching* It’s cool, I think something just came up

Them back to their mindless chatter.

End Scene.

*Sigh* It’s back to eating lunch alone, eating cherry poptarts from the vending machine.

I’ve always had “friend repellent” as I like to call it. I’ve never been very good at making friends, as hard as I try, I don’t know what it is. In highschool it was fine, but now I feel like I need someone to go out with, to express myself to, to go to lunch with.

As much as I love my boyfriend, Lance, I want to have girl’s night when he has his guy’s night. I want bridesmaids goddammit!

-shelby out