I grew up in a small town, so during school you basicallly hung out with the people you had known your entire life. There wasn’t much thought gone into choosing who you were friends with.

When I got into highschool, we had a “group” and I got invited to group gatherings. Outside of those, however, I didn’t do much socializing.

I ended up dating a guy in high school for two years because I was young and stupid and he had promises of new friends and exciting parties. Well, that went south, and I ended up hanging around because I didn’t want to admit to everyone that I had been wrong, and that he was an asshole, even though he did a multitude of things that I don’t feel like going into. On top of being young and stupid, I was also young and selfish and let him believe that I loved him because I had no where else to turn. A lot of my friends shunned me after we started going out because they hated him.

My best friend, who remains my best friend, but it hundreds of miles away, even sort of pulled away from me, but I pulled away from her as well. She found others to hang out with, I don’t blame her, I wouldn’t have wanted to be around me either.

It was then I started to realize that I was not good at making friends. I made excuses for myself though. Things like:

“Oh, it’s a small town, everyone already knows me and has their ‘idea’ of who I am”

“Everyone hates me”

“Everyone thinks I’m an idiot and is laughing behind my back”

Blah blah blah.

Since then, my best friend and I have definitely reconciled, I am madly in love with a gorgeous gentleman who treats me like a princess, and I am about to move to L.A. to pursue a career in Cinema Makeup.

All that is missing right now is…can we guess kids? That’s right, friends.

Everywhere I’ve lived in the last two years, I’ve tried desperately but always ended up being the third wheel with no invite to the after party.

Sure, I’ve gone to lunch with “the girls” but I sit there in utter dismay as they invite eachother over for parties, to the mall, the movies, etc. No, I’m not just imagining that I’m not invited, or not really wanted.

See my Cherry Poptarts entry for a REAL dialogue between me and some of my aesthetician classmates: http://bloodydiamonds.wordpress.com/2008/02/27/cherry-poptarts-again/

That’s just one of many.

I went to visit lance this past weekend and we had a lot of wedding talk. All I could think of was “How embarrassed will I be when I have to tell my family that I don’t have as many bridesmaids as Lance will have groomsmen?”

It’s so humiliating.

I used to love being a loner, now I’m seeing that it’s not the greatest….

I went to work yesterday to check my schedule for next week. I couldn’t find my name, and my manager walks up with his lunch and goes:

Manager: “Oh, by the way, we had to let you off for about a week and a half, maybe a little longer.”

Me: “What?”

Manager: “Yeah, just think of it as a vacation!”

Me: “So I don’t work here anymore?”

Manager: “Well, just write your name on that sheet and we’ll call you for our holiday season.”

Me: “So, you’ve laid me off for a couple weeks?”

Manager: “Just write your name down if you want to join us for the holidays”

Me: “I’m still confused, you weren’t even going to call me or tell me? The only reason I’m finding out is because I happened to run into you?”

Manager: “We just had to let go of about 20 people temporarily.”

Me: “You’re not really answering me.”

Manager: “Well, I’ve got to go, I’m on my lunch break.”

So he cowers into his office with his Jack ‘n the Box bag.

So, I’ve got two very annoying stress zits.

I’m going to redo my resume and look around salons asking if they need an aesthetician.

That and I’m going to visit Lance next week. It’s going to be difficult considering he lives with his brother and I have a very big gut feeling that his brother is totally screwing him over.

His brother has a clean up business for repossessed houses and Lance has worked with him for about two months now.

He hasn’t paid him once. He keeps saying “Oh, it takes a while for the checks to come in.”

Well, Lance was talking to his mom who told him that the checks had already come in. So Lance asked his brother about this and he said “Well, they’re processing.”

The reason I worry is because his brother is 25 and currently in thousands of dollars of debt. He’s one of those stupid young people who spent all his money on cars, furniture, eating out, and clothing. Since I’ve known him for these two or three years, he’s had a Mustang, an Escalade, some other little car, and currently he owns both a Mercedes and a little Honda.

He doesn’t drive the Mercedes because he owes $26,000 on it and has to hide it in the garage from the repo guys. He has also has a ton of credit card debt.

So….I’ve had plenty of family members that have been in debt, and I know how manipulative people can become when they’re in need of money.

Did I mention his brother is also an extremely racist asshole? He’s gay, and you’d think a homosexual would be more tolerant considering all of the hardships they have to overcome. We were driving to Anaheim last time I was up there, and he was in the back seat raving about how “Those chinks can’t drive” and he kept calling black people “Spooks”, he went on about Jews and Mexicans and Asians. There was some chick at the restaurant we were at that was having a birthday, she was pretty overweight, but he felt the need to loudly make fun of her. Then she started laughing and he goes “Ugh, you stupid bitch I’m going to shove my cock down your throat!”

I wanted to die.

He’s just one of those people that you want to ask, “Why haven’t you had your ass kicked yet?” Which makes it more likely that he’d give Lance the run around when it comes to paying him.

Sigh.

People…

Yeah, low funds require me to do my own highlights. Lol, I really hope it looks okay. I’m leaving it on a little longer than the box says so it’ll lift a little higher.

I have to work our “Family and Friends” night at work. It’s the night before our grand opening so we’re having hors d’oeuvres and drinks. I guess like 2,000 people are supposed to show up.

My boyfriend’s parents are coming, his mom hates me so I figured I might as well look cute so that’s one less thing for her to criticize.

Ugh, I miss Lance, he moved to L.A., I can’t move until I acquire a big enough savings to live off of while I go to school. Here’s the school I want to attend: http://www.cinemamakeup.com/

What do you think?

Sorry, I’m being boring and girly. So I’ll send you here http://www.rotten.com to make things a little more interesting!

So I cooked it tonight, and as I was putting in the rice I thought “I dont know how this is going to plump up, there doesnt’ seem to be enough liquid”

Well…duh Shelby.

I cook the whole thing in the oven, and the rice won’t soften!

I finally look back at the recipe and realize in the list of ingredients it says “2 cups cooked long grain rice”

Damn it!

Well, everyone is sitting around me, being good sports, and eating their crunchy rice casseroles…

I swear, I need to dye my hair red again, this blonde thing isnt’ working for me hehehe

I got my state board testing date for July 14. I’m pretty excited, but scared, you know how tests go.

I just got back today from camping all weekend. It was a lot of fun, I love the mountains and hiking. We saw a bunch of wolves too.

————————-

So I’ve got some personal issues going on right now. I don’t know how to bring them up or talk about them.

It’s mostly my own insecurities, but it’s also…well…complicated.

If only I had the energy to drive to the market to buy some more cigarettes, I could at least give myself something else to focus on.

Bleh.

Sorry, I’m not too interesting as of late.

So here’s some gratuitous porn http://www.xtube.com

-Shelby

I was wearing a gray mini skirt and a hot pink spaghetti strap top and luckily…underwear.

I say luckily underwear because…well you’ll see…

I was looking for the false lashes, thinking to myself “How am I going to tell Lance that I think that I’m pregnant? I mean…I don’t think he’ll be mad, and he’ll definitely want me to keep it. Wht the hell am I going to do? Sue the guy who manufactured my birth control?”

I grab my false lashes and mosey (mosie? mosy?) over to the arts and crafts and I feel this warm wetness between my legs….

It felt like I was getting turned on, that sort of slow wetness you know?

I knew it wasn’t my period, because every month since I first got it when I was eleven it’s been the same, I get cramp for 5-7 days before, horrible cramps. I get super moody, I cry a lot, and ooooo the cramps.

So I look around, no one is in site, so I sneak my finger up my skirt, under my white cotton thong, feel definite gooey warmth, and pull my finger out, in front of my face and voila…

Blood.

Lot’s of it.

At this moment I drop my false lashes onto the nearest shelf (which I hate to do, because I have worked in customer service, and people being too lazy to put their shit away pisses me off too). I start walked briskly out the door to my car.

Mind you I’m wearing a mini skirt, so all I can see in my mind is blood slowly dripping down my legs for all to see.

It didn’t, but you know how paranoia can trick you, and I could have sworn I could feel it going down my thigh.

So I get in my car, and I still have a ton of clothes piled in there from moving, so I find a gray sweater that I hated anyway, put it on my seat, hiked up my skirt, and drove home.

My poor white cotton thong ends up in the trash, and I’m thanking the Big Man that my skirt isn’t ruined and that I didn’t run into any old friends from highschool who wanted to chat.  

Well, Lance and I had a huuuuge, nasty, sweaty fuck fest on Tuesday. I was supposed to get my period on like….it doesn’t matter, sooo…yeah. I have too many friends who got knocked up while they were on the pill. Which explains the pregnancy scare.

I think that was God’s little way of saying “Hah, that’s what you get, now here’s your period in a very public place, I hope you learned your lesson. P.S. Stop yelling my name while you’re orgasming”

Thought you guys would enjoy another embarrassing story after my suicide scare. Letting you all know I’m good now.

That’s the downside of being bipolar, extreme lows, but I’ll deal.

Thank you all for you wonderful comments! Mwah!

-Shelby

Everyone has someone else to keep them company.

So they won’t be that hurt.

Maybe it will be like my way of finally doing something that displeases people. I’ve always been so obsessed with pleasing people. But I can’t please them no matter what I do anymore.

I’m too fat, my skin is bad, I’m useless, jobless, my boyfriend doesn’t confide in me anymore.

It would be a big fat burden off everyone’s back.

The question is how and when.

This

is

me

in all my fat, ugly, lazy glory….

Anyway…

My dad just walked in on Lance and I having sex. It was one of those quickies where you leave your clothes on and we were under a blanket. So its not like he SAW anything. He just said “so, lance, don’t you have to work early tomorrow?” or something like that.

Aaaakwaaard…

Lance is mortified.

It’s embarrassing, but eh, what can you do, right?

So…anyone out there have any funny and/or embarrassing sex stories???

Am I crazy?

Am I insane for being upset that my boyfriend went to mexico and drank and danced with a bunch of random chicks? I mean, that’s what he’s telling me so far…

It’s like the last boyfriend all over again. Not as bad, but I didn’t love him. I was just with him because I didn’t want to be alone.

But I love Lance

More than words can describe.

But he just doesn’t see how I can be hurt over this…

I guess it’s hard to see my point of view when he’s the muscley jock that’s always had girls all over him, and I’m the friendless geek that’s never really gone out much.

*more pain that I can take*

Of course that changes tonight. I haven’t gotten back to the doctor for my meds, and tonight I really need them.

Today at school they were all talking about a big party, and making plans about it…I didn’t get an invite… it gets worse…

Lance decided to go to out to some clubs in Mexico with our friend Ramon and some girls I went to highschool with and their friends.

Usually, I would be angry. I’d blow up, I’d throw things I’d break things, but I’m just sad. I mean I’m ten hours away, what can I do?

It’s like I’ve been so angry my whole life that my body is just done. It’s done with being angry and frustrated, it’s done with dealing with things that hurt.

Especially things that hurt so bad, and you don’t know how to tell that person because I just want to be a good girlfriend. I don’t want to try to stop him from doing things he likes to do. I don’t want to be one of “those” girls who tells there boyfriends to sit, stay and roll over.

But if I’m doing such a great thing, why does it feel so bad?